So far, my quest for simplicity and loving my home has resulted in a clean and very organized laundry room and pantry (I realize I've done this before and even posted on here about it, but this time it's better) and an organizing for a yard sale I plan to have next weekend.  My kitchen countertops are also starting to get clearer.  I LOVE clear countertops.  Baby steps.

A Cathartic Rant About Big Law

When you leave a big law firm, it's amazing how people begin to come out of the woodwork and tell you about their desire to leave, how much they admire you and how miserable people really are.  I don't want to over-generalize and I've known this reality for some time, but the farther I get from it, the more perspective I gain and the more I recognize the alternate universe people live in. 

I've tried for a long time to explain the cutlture to people and it's very hard for people on the outside to understand.  It seems like the culmination of success as the world defines it.  The job is "prestigious" and it pays well and people respect you, but for most people it is empty.  And the wrench in it is that there is this weird psychology that goes on that has caused a whole generation of people 50 and older to believe that they love it.  Even when they know deep down inside that they don't.  Sometimes it's not even all that deep down.  I have had partners look me in the eye and tell me that they regret it, that they wish they had spent more time at home with their children, that they wish they had gone to the prosecutor's office or hung their own shingle or practiced with a plaintiff's firm or done something completely different all together.  Then these same partners have given me or others who have chosen to leave, to pursue their own dreams and spend valuable time with their families, speeches - guilt trips really - about loyalty and passion for the profession and money, of all things.  I guarantee these people can't see the irony or the dischord in what they are saying at any given time.  And frankly, I believe that when they are saying it, whatever position it is they are advocating, they believe it. 

I would love to study the psychology behind the brainwashing. I cannot tell you how many times either I have heard this rant or I have heard it reported to me from another tired, bewildered associate: "you don't know what it is you want.  You should be grateful for all this firm has done for you, all we have given you - there are so many people who would give anything to be in your position - to be paid what you are paid, to get these experiences.  The rest of us put in our time and we didn't complain and we didn't expect more money or to have cases or clients handed to us or to be "trained" in marketing.  We did what we were asked and the rest of it fell in place."  And apparently, they walked uphill to work both ways in the snow in no shoes.  Give me a break. 

To those partners, here are some things your associates want to say to you:

First, I am worth what you pay me because you pay it.  If I wasn't -  if I really wasn't making you money - you wouldn't pay me.  Stop with the bullshit about how you lose money on me.  I don't believe it.

Second, times have changed and I want more.  I am demanding more.  I am sorry you made the choices you did, but this isn't a sorority or fraternity rush.  I don't have to be hazed because you were.  As a matter of fact, because you were, I see the consequences of giving your life to a law firm and I don't want it.  Thank you for showing me what not to do, but stop trying to displace your regret on me.

Third,  I don't owe you anything and you haven't done me any special favors. You hired me specifically for a reason.  There are people just as smart as me and there are better lawyers than me, but I am unique - I bring something unique to the table. I have value - either because I am a good laywer, I am a woman, I know a particular client, I am a minority, I am the son or daughter of someone important, etc.  Stop trying to make me feel like I am expendable.

Fourth, other people want me and will pay me.  And even if they won't pay me as much, money isn't everything.  I'm sorry that you didn't recognize that you had options, but I do and I will explore them. 

Peace

I'm making a commitment to make my home a place I love.  I've been waiting for a while, thinking that we would be able to afford a bigger and nicer house soon, but hasn't happened and realistically, it's going to be a while.  Frankly, I don't even know where to start.  I just know that I need some order and I need to actually want to be in my house.

35

Today is my 35th birthday.  I love birthdays and I expect celebrations (yes, plural) for mine.  And I generally could care less about the number - I never really feel old.  But this year is a little different.  I am having a moment of evaluation.  Of knowing that I am headed toward 40 and being closer to the second half of my life.  Maybe I'm already in it. And I don't feel as accomplished as I thought I would.  I never imagined being buried in debt or living in a house with a whole list of things that need to be fixed and in need of more space at 35.  I never really imagined that I would still be trying to figure out what exactly I really want to do with my life.  I am generally a very positive . . . and hopeful person.  But I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and a little bit discouraged.  Even so, I am acutely aware that I am blessed.  That I have more materially than 95% of the world and that may people would give all they have to be with their husband and children and have both of their parents and their beautiful sister and her children alive and well.  So, today, I thank God for those blessings and I ask for peace, contentment and discipline to improve the things making me feel discouraged.

Escape

I came home from a dinner with some girlfriends a few nights ago and my husband was sitting on the couch watching Hotel Rwanda.  We've owned this movie for over 2 years now and have never watched it.  Every time he suggests it, I say that I just can't handle something that heavy right now.  And that night was no different.  I saw that it was on and I bolted out of the room as fast as I could.  I absolutely did not want to see, hear or experience something that would make me feel so many emotions.  I think this is a common sentitment among people with intellectually challenging jobs.  We spend our whole days thinking and analyzing and really don't want to spend our valued personal entertainment time thinking more.  But I feel guilty about this and also wonder if it's something to be further discussed in a therapist's office.  One, it makes me miss out on some valuable experiences with husband and two, I wonder how long I can go without feeling certain emotions.  Am I avoiding something more than the stress of work and thinking too much?

Love and Race

A friend's blog has inspired me to write again.  She has a post here on love and race.  The post is about her decision to open herself up to the prospect of dating outside her race (she happens to be African-American).  The comments to her post discuss whether men and women of different races can feel fulfilled and really meet each other's needs in all aspects.  One individual who commented relayed her story of dating outside her race and her feeling that the white man she dated just couldn't relate to the struggles she faces as a black woman.  Now, I am not a black woman and I try to be very aware of the fact that no matter how hard I try not to, I operate under the protection of white privilege , so I cannot specifically understand her point of view or the point of view of her commenters.  But I am married to a man of a different race, so I have some experience with this subject.   

I will be the first to admit that, in my marriage, there are times our race separates us.  Even though I tend to be the one who gets most outraged at racial injustice and even though I have a real passion for equality and for increasing diversity in the professional world, there are certain topics, certain current events, that we simply cannot discuss because I cannot, and probably never will be able to identify with his opinion on the issue or his experience of the particular issue as a black man (and an Indian man, but my observation is that, at least in this country, the world defines you as black when they discover you have any African-American heritage).  When we try to discuss those topics, it just ends up being hurtful to someone.  No matter how innocent my questions, they appear ignorant and insensitive and no matter how level headed he tries to be in our discussions, there is a great deal of emotion tied up in reactions/comments/opinions and I end up feeling like he thinks I have no sensitivity to or understanding of what he has experienced.  And there are certainly times when I know our difference in upbrining and life perspective has made things more difficult - from discussions about family, money, discipline of oru children, etc., but I don't think that would have been any different had I married a white man who grew up really rich or poor or from a different religion. I feel privileged to have an intimate relationship with someone who has a completely different life experience than me.  Part of the joy of a relationship is figuring out your differences together and learning how to become one - despite those. And I am happy that my children are an amalgamation of at least three different cultures.  I hope to allow them to find where they fit - to encourage them to completely understand who they are.  Maybe that's very PollyAnna of me, but I don't think so.

My first reaction to my friend's post is that you shouldn't limit yourself, but I think my real opinion is that it is an individual decision for every one. I can see why someone would choose not to date outside their race.  In some ways, it would be a lot easier.  In other situations though, it is part of what defines the beauty and success of a relationship.  And in even others, it is unfortunately, what defines the failure of a relationship.  I have never really been attracted to people who are the same (race, gender, sexual orientation, economic background, political affilication, etc.) as me - in my friendships or intimate relationships.  Don't get me wrong, everyone needs to feel understood and I have friends who are very similar to me, but for the most part, I like surrounding myself with different perspectives.  So, for me, this is what fits.  And I hope it does for my husband also :)

Freedom

It has been almost a year since I have posted here.  I have toyed with the idea of a few other blogs, but I am always thinking of things that fit here.  Today, I am inspired to write again because for the past two months I have experienced freedom.  I left my big law firm job on February 12 and I have not looked back for one single minute.  I knew I felt trapped. I knew I hated billable hours and I knew that I was completely over the political crap, but I really had no idea just how stifled and just how miserable I truly was.  Let me make a disclaimer here - I really like almost all of the people I worked with at my firm.  They are great lawyers and more importantly, great people.  I even liked the work - at least 50% of the time.  And I was pretty good at it.  But the environment, for me, was just toxic.  I have told several people, since starting my new job, that I feel like I left an abusive relationship.  First, I had convinced myself that, if I was paid a certain salary, the tradoff was that I had to be miserable.  It was just a fact of life that came with the paycheck.  I now know that's not true.  I took a very small pay cut for my current job and I am not miserable.  In fact, I really, really like the job. That doesn't mean it isn't hard or stressful or that I don't work a lot, but I like it.  I feel respected and valued and even if  had taken a large pay decrease, that would be worth it.  Second, I have been in the job for two months and in the past few days, I have just stopped walking around on eggshells waiting for something bad to happen - waiting to discover what I hate, what is going to make me miserable.  And I don't think it's there.  Again, it's not perfect, because no job is, but it's just so very, very different.  I feel free.