Affect Change or Move On?

I don't usually become involved with any organization or cause that I don't buy into. For instance, I have many friends who attend churches because they like the service or the pastor. They really don't know much about the theology of the denomination or movement with which the church is affiliated and even if they do, and don't agree with particular tenants, they don't really care. They go to get what they want out of the service, or the sunday school class, or some other ministry of the church and they don't have any internal dilemma with inconsistencies between what they believe and what the church teaches. I'm not critical of these people. I wish I were more like them. There is a church here in Lexington with a very dynamic pastor who I would love to listen to every Sunday morning. He is leading the church in some groundbreaking ministries to the poor and the church is doing some things with which I would like to be involved, but I can't go there. I know too much about their denomination. Several things bother me, but at the top of my list is that they don't ordain women. I simply cannot attend a church where little girls will never be allowed to fulfill a call to ministry. I cannot teach Sunday School, or give my money or frankly, even sit in the pews every Sunday morning because, I believe I would be condoning their doctrine simply with my presence. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't believe a perfect church exists and I don't agree with all of the teachings of the one I belong to. As a matter of fact, there are many, many of their teachings I don't agree with, but there are certain baseline non-negotiables for me and ordination of women is one of them.

Like I need to "buy in" to the teachings of my church, I need to "buy in" to the strategic goals and objectives of my workplace. And for the most part, I buy in to my current law firms plans, just as I did for my former firm. But, just like my church, there are things I don't like. For the area of the country we live in and the overall state of the legal profession, my firm is quite a progressive place for women. Sadly, the legal profession has not set a very high standard. After 7 years of practice, I am left wondering whether you can be a wife, a mom and a lawyer at a big firm and be successful at all three. Many times, I think I'm not and I just want to move on. I just don't know if billable hours and motherhood can co-exist longterm. But I'm not a quitter. When I am involved with an institution or process, I like to be part of making it better. So I serve on the diversity committee and read books about breaking the barriers for women in the legal profession and attend conferences on professional development for women lawyers. I make efforts to network and get involved with women's groups and I serve on boards and help charities so I can feel fulfilled outside of work and home. With all of that, I am left questioning whether it is worth it and wondering if it's time for me to move on.

I recently resigned from the board of directors of a fantastic charity that serves people who are affected by and/or infected with HIV and AIDS. I was the president of the board for the past year. The decision to resign was excrutiating and extremely out of character for me. This charity has been through rough times over the past few years and I felt like I was a part of bringing it through some of those times, but it required an extraordinary amount of time and energy. My billable hours suffered greatly and it quite possibly could have set me back a year for partnership consideration. (When I say I'm not a quitter, what I mean is I don't know how to say no and I'm not good as setting boundaries.) I wanted so badly to stay longer because I could tell they were on the brink of some fantastic change. I wanted to be a part of that and it was so hard for me not to feel like a failure for resigning. But it was time for me to move on. My heart misses it sometimes, but I have peace that it was the right decision.

What I don't have peace about is whether I can maintain my current career and be the mother and wife I am called to be. I hesitated to type that word "called" because I hate loaded religious terminology. I am not referring to some particular role that the church has defined for me as a woman, but I am referring to my own, internal calling - from God, specifically for me to be a good wife and mother and a professional who is fulfilled and intelectually challenged, but has not sacrified her family simply to have a title. Some would say that lack of peace is my answer, but I don't believe answers lie in the absence of peace, only in the presence of it. And until I find the alternative (not working is not a financial option and wouldn't bring me peace anyway) and I have peace about it, I won't have an answer. In that waiting period, I need to find patience.