Who Will I Be?

My dvr is set to record Oprah every day. I don't always watch it, but when I'm feeding the baby or sitting down for a break and I can't find anything I like on TV, I scroll through the Oprah recordings to see if anything interests me. Today, it was a rerun of an interview with Maria Shriver about her book, "Just Who Will You Be?" I haven't read the book, but I intend to go to the bookstore this week and get it. Apparently, Shriver wrote the book with high school and college students in mind, but it is actually about her awakening that just happened a few years ago and it has struck a chord with women everywhere.

Shriver describes "losing herself" after she became the "Governor's wife" and was asked to leave her job as a journalist. She talks about trying to conform herself to the expectations of others, growing up in a family that was in the spotlight and being ever cognizant of how her actions might reflect on the family and about what they expected from her. A couple of years ago she realized that she didn't know who she was and had lost herself in the shadow of her husband and her family. Through this process of self-realization, she made pledges to herself, one of which stuck with me - "I pledge to show up every day as myself."

Like the women on the show who told Maria how they identified with her, I found myself thinking, "I wish my husband would watch this show. I think he would understand me better if he did." I listened and watched as the women talked about the freedom of putting yourself first every once in a while and not feeling guilty about it, about finding your identity apart from your role as a (enter your career here), a mother or a wife. and about allowing yourself to be still and quiet for at least 10 minutes a day.

I never imagined that I could lose myself. I think there are plenty of people in my life who would be equally shocked at that idea. I have always convinced people that I am self-assured and that I know what I want. I have a lot of opinions and am rarely afraid to express them. Because of that, people put me in a box in which I'm not sure I belong. There are many days I wake up and wonder if I can contine the charade. If today will be the day that someone finds out that I'm not really that smart. Or that someone realizes that I really don't have that much self-confidence. Or that someone comes to my house and sees what a disorganized mess it is. Or that they realize that I lose my patience with my children easily. Or that I'm a nagging wife sometimes. The list could go on and on and on . . . ..

I used to think I was the only person who felt this way, but as I have begun to become more vulnerable and reveal myself to others, I have found that it's a nearly universal feeling for women. And this feeling prevents us from showing up as ourselves everyday. Until I do that, and find out just who I am, I can't answer the question, just who will I be.